


Memories

by I_Otaku



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guess who's sad about Amnesty and taking it out on Taako, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Post-Canon, Questioning reality and that kinda stuff, Spoilers for entire series, Watch out this deals really heavily with dissociating and memory issues, Whump, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 04:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19143364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Otaku/pseuds/I_Otaku
Summary: Why can't he remember right? Why can't his memory just be fixed? Lup is here- she should just wipe over everything like a whiteboard. She should fix it, because she’s his other half. But she’s not- because he’s been alone his whole life- but he hasn’t-





	Memories

Taako wants it to be easy. He wants this hundred years of memories to wash over his own hole riddled head, to fill in every gap and seal him up like spackle. But it doesn't. It changes things. He's got too much bouncing around in his head now- he's got splitting headaches damn near all the time. Lup isn't even corporeal but he recognizes things. More than the voice. She pops her hand on her robe hip and tilts her head when she asks a question she knows the answer to. She has a normal laugh but when there are three jokes slung around in quick succession it evolves into a snorting loud uncontrollable thing. She moves around the kitchen of the bureau dorm room without looking, she doesn't blink about opening cabinets or spinning bowls or mixing ingredients. She's just like him. Or what he thought he was. He's not sure who he is now. He sees her happy and glowing and quick to swirl her lich form around each IPRE member, around Angus, or Carey and Killian, or Avi. And they all love her. And he wants to, but his head won’t let him. He gets some memories back, well not in the way he wants- they’re more like a slideshow or a movie. He sees them happen, sees himself, sees what he does. But it doesn’t feel like him. More like he’s watching himself in a dream. But there are only one version of those, the memories of the century. Those he can handle easier. Not handle well, but they’re not the pressing matter.

Taako is confused more than anything. Not the artificial confusion of seeing her name, or the anxiety of breaking the staff. Just, confused. He knows her. He loves her. He feels that deep in his bones, he drifts close to her, he laughs at all her jokes, they talk animatedly, and then she says something. She talks about a memory. And Taako falls apart. It's like she pulls the string out of a corset.

His head splits in half. He has these two stories, these two memories. And it's not that he knows one is wrong. They're both real. They both formed him as a person, they both affect who he is. But one doesn't line up at all. In that one he's alone, and bitter and hard. He's crying because he's alone, he's making dumb mistakes and learning to never love anyone. 

And Lup talks about the other one, something Taako can't- he remembers the anger. The rage. The apathy. When he does remember the good, what Lup is saying, it's still coated in rage, in cold and cruel and desperate. He sees it, but he can't feel it. Like he’s seeing it through the filter of another memory, but they’re undeniably linked. They happened at the same time- they’re fighting for the same space in his brain. It's- its not right. He has two screens in his head, one video and one blank with an audio output line. He  _ sees _ the two of them seated under a huge tree, ratag picnic as they both practice their magic and eat in the warm summer air. He sees Lup's hair a glowing halo around her head as she casts produce flame for the first time, he sees himself ever so slightly change a rock's shape. He sees them hug, the two of them chatting animatedly and laughing. He  _ hears  _ the fever he had that summer, everything is ringing and he hears himself shuffling in his sheets, delirious from the pain. He knows when the shuffles will happen because he's lived it. He hears the throwing up over the side of his cot, the stumbling of him collapsing to the floor in a heap, knocking over a stool. His harsh breathing and weak whimpers. They don't match up. He hears himself crying, alone and abandoned as Lup tugs him into a hug and the two of them look to be laughing. It doesn’t- It can’t line up. His brain can’t make them fit together, or make sense of the memory. Which is real? Both are? But at the same time, neither? He feels one, hears one, knows them both but at the same time can’t?

He feels himself nod slowly, watching her mouth as she talks, (although her lich form is more like fire given form she's still got her features). He tries to read her lips. And he can see what she's saying. But he can't hear her. He hears his memory, if he can call it that. It's not real, he was never alone. (But he  _ was- _ ) Why does it still bother him so much? Lup's back. Everything should be fixed. But it's still real in a way he can't fight. He feels the winter chill in his bones as she talks about their candlenights on their eighty sixth year. He doesn’t remember the party she’s talking about, or the gift. He doesn't remember her existing. But she's here- he can  _ see _ what she's saying. His eyes aren't focusing on Lup's mouth anymore. His face has gone slack, he's lost again. It doesn’t make sense. Lup can just take this carefully built facade, this persona and hundreds of years of history, of Taako’s _being_ , and just pull the rug right out from under him. Who is he? Lup talks about him, but he doesn't remember what she's saying. But he knows- but- He doesn’t know who he is, because he can’t remember. He doesn’t remember giving her her first haircut although he sees her hair on the floor of an old rickety stagecoach. He feels the scissors cutting his own hair-  Why can't he remember right? Why can't his memory just be fixed? Lup is here- she should just wipe over everything like a whiteboard. She should fix it, because she’s his other half. But she’s not- because he’s been alone his whole life- but he hasn’t- Lup is still talking, she brings up another set of memories. It’s supposed to be one memory. It isn’t. Which memory is real? They're both- but- he can only  _ see _ one. He can only  _ hear _ one. What would he be like if his mind wasn't a bucket full of holes? Would he be what Lup wants? Her brother back? He's not her real brother. He’s not the Taako from the starblaster, not the Taako from her childhood. He’s not her other half because this Taako is a rotted plank with more holes than wood. He doesn't understand what she's talking about. He doesn't understand anything, what was he doing? He was- He can feel- what can he feel? Everything is numb. Just looking at her now, seeing her blurry figure sets him off. He doesn't know her. But he does. It's Lup, his twin, but he grew up alone- but he didn't- He doesn't remember performing the ritual that made Lup  _ Lup _ , but when he looks at her he knows he did. But he- he didn't- but he had to have-

He swallows a lump in his throat and his eyes refocus. He's sitting on his bed, taking slow shallow breaths.

"Taako? Are you with me?" 

Taako looks up from the carpet slowly. He sees black slacks, kneeling on the floor. Then a white dress shirt, rumbled just slightly. And then he slowly blinks. His hands are slack on his lap, palms down in Kravitz'. The thumbs rubs against his knuckles, and Taako squeezes his hands in his partner's. 

"Hey- hey there. There you are." Kravitz says. His hands hold Taako's. Taako can't look up yet, his breaths come harder and faster and he squeezes his eyes shut. Tears are running down his cheeks. 

"Taako-" Kravitz says again. "It's not okay right now but it's going to be. I promise." 

Taako shakes his head and his posture changes at it spikes pain in his head, he falls forward slightly and withdraws his hands to clutch his temples. There's a split right down the middle of his skull- Its hurts and it's not fair. It hurts so much- he just wants it to be over and fixed and not have to fight his own memory- His chest rattles as he sobs, hands moving instead to cinch in his hair. He wants to remember what happened- not feel what didn't. But it did- but it  _ didn’t- _ what other memories are wrong? What if he's remembering everything else wrong? What if none of this is really happening and he's just looking in and he'll hear the sound of Kravitz yelling at him for being so weak and the slam of the door? Did this really happen? Is it really happening?

Kravitz' hand brings him back to the surface, and he gasps for air. Kravitz has moved him (again? Where's Lup? How long has it been?) back against the headboard, bracketed by pillows. They’re soft. Kravitz’ hand is just slightly cool against his cheek. Taako sees his lips moving. He doesn’t hear him. He’s panicking. When will he hear the yelling- hear the door slam- it’s too good.

Something cold sinks into his cheek, it moves deep into his head before it washes down him and opens from his chest like a pair of wings. 

“...you hear me? Taako, can you hear me?”

Taako looks up at him now, he sees Kravitz. His hair is down, wild curls barely pulled back into a ponytail. He’s so clearly worried, his red eyes are fading from a glow. Taako nods, and Kravitz smiles, a weak injured thing.

“I’m glad. You really had me worried there-” He says, and his voice is soft and genuine and raw. Taako just stares up at him, his pose half leaning overtop of him. Taako nods again, and blinks a few final tears down. Kravitz leans back to a seated position on the bed, and Taako watches him. “What do you need right now?” Kravitz asks, more than ready to leap from the bed and tear his way across faerun and the astral plane to find anything Taako could ask for. If Taako wasn’t so numb, he would tease him about it.

“You,” He breathes, voice soft and pained. Kravitz is at his side so fast Taako isn’t sure if he moved or reconstructed his body laying beside him. “Please touch me-” Taako rolls over into him, and he’s surprised to nuzzle into the soft wine red sweatshirt he bought him from some trip they took last year. Kravitz’ hands are warm as they clasp over his back, Kravitz’ arms are strong and grounding as he holds him. Kravitz is here. Kravitz is real. His fingers comb through Taako’s hair, rub small circles across his scalp. Kravitz is breathing, the rhythm is slow and exaggerated but Taako follows. He cries more, but it’s rain washing away the fear of the storm. 

 

The next time he sees Lup, he very valiantly pretends nothing is wrong. She’s floating around the base at four am, looking up at the stars and using some magic to fix some of the damage she can. Taako has been following her for thirty minutes. He ‘trips’ over a piece of rubble, and when Lup notices he brushes off his knees. They’re on the quad, off on a far edge while Lup fixes one of the slashed walls, Taako sees the starlight make her form sparkle.

“You’ve been following me for a while.” She says. She gives a cursory glance over her shoulder, and returns to her impromptu wall welding. 

“I was just walking by, I tripped.” Taako taps his foot on the floor, kicking the prop he pretended to trip on.

“You. Tripped?” Lup’s fire dies down, she floats down to him with a nonexistent breeze splaying her robe. “I’ve only seen you trip twice, and both because you were more focused on helping someone than looking where you were going.” She smiles, but it quickly falls. “No- sorry. What’s up?”

Taako blinks up at her. “When.” He says.

“It-” Lup looks away. “It doesn’t matter. What’s-”

“Tell me when.” He says, his head is starting to ache and he draws his mouth tightly shut. “Tell me now before I try and remember and accidentally kill myself.”

“T-Taako-” Lup sinks down to his height, she reaches a hesitant hand out and settles it on Taako’s shoulder. It doesn’t touch him, it vibrates his skin as she sort of fades in and out of his flesh. “Please, I don’t want to hurt you.” Her voice mirrors his. Hurt, and pained, but desperately trying to seem strong.

He tries to slap her hand away, only to make her form smolder and flicker (his hand goes through her and she doesn’t move). “I said tell me! I don’t- I c-can’t remember- I’m Taako the asshole- I don’t help people because I’ve been alone and betrayed and backstabbed my whole life but that’s not true-! Because I had you! But I didn’t but I  _ did- _ and I can’t stand you! I can’t stand the fact that you bring my whole world down, you can unravel my head and pump it full of memories I don’t remember but I  _ do _ but I  _ don’t- _ a-and- And I want to know who the hell I’m supposed to be!” His voice breaks on the final word, and he smacks his hands over his mouth. 

Lup doesn’t breath, she doesn’t have to. But she huffs a small breath, ripe with disbelief and ache. When she speaks her voice is just as broken. “You don’t have to be anyone Taako,” She says, floating closer to him. Her hands move to cup his and the tingling follows. “Taako, please I don’t want to hurt you, directly or indirectly. Fisher- they- things are hard. I get it. I don’t want to keep forcing you to feel this way, feel this pain.” She says. 

“Then  _ fix it _ .” Taako shudders into his hands, leaning forward.

“I don’t- I don’t know how to Taako.” She says. “I can’t just whip up a spell or a potion that’ll fix your head when it’s gone through so much. I want to- I would give up anything to do it and you know that.”

“What am I-” He shakes again, feels himself start to sink to the floor. He takes a half step back and bends down, he sits on the floor. “What am I supposed to do?”

Lup sinks down after him, her robe and lich body phase through the floor just slightly before she fixes them. She looks down at the floor, tracing nonsense shapes into the metal. Neither of them talk for a long time. “How are you feeling?” She asks quietly.

“Bad.” He says.

“Yeah, don’t know what I was expecting with that one.” She mumbles. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Tell me a-about me.” He says, still staring hollowly at the floor.

“I-” Taako cuts her off with a raised hand although he doesn’t look at her.

“This isn’t about you. This is about me. I’ll… I’ll tell you what I remember.” He nods, and finally looks at her. 

Lup nods, her face drawn before she gives a hesitant smile. “I’ll try something good. Do you remember auntie?”

Taako nods.

“What did she smell like?” 

“Cinnamon sometimes. A-and coriander others.” He replies. “Is that right?”

Lup smiles, “Yeah- cinnamon when she baked and coriander when she cooked. She said it was part of her magic.”

“Magic doesn’t work like that.” Taako scoffs.

“You didn’t believe her then either.” 

“I remember asking her about her magic, about s-something.”

“You asked her a lot, do you remember when you first accidentally transmuted her cutting board?”

Taako blinks, he sees a flash in his head and shuts his eyes. “No, tell me about it.”

Lup doesn’t continue immediately, but she does continue. “You didn’t know what you were doing yet, it was before we understood magic. She was showing us how to cut meat, I had sliced my hand pretty nasty when we tried to cook without her supervision. We were sat at her counter, watching...” She keeps talking, Taako listens with every fiber of his body. He interjects every now and again, he spits out what he remembers and Lup never corrects him. She listens. She doesn’t say ‘ _ that’s wrong, here’s what really happened _ ’. She doesn’t talk over him or tell him he’s broken. She listens. Some things line up. Some things don’t. But it’s okay. Sitting down quietly, listening and talking, he feels less broken. His headache is still present but it isn’t blinding. He isn’t dissociating or dying, he fumbles now and again but he isn’t alone. 

The moon is hanging above them, the stars are twinkling and there are no eyes. The hunger is gone. There is rubble, and there are still fights, but they did it. They won, but they are still fighting. And they are healing.  
  


 

Neither of them hear the quiet footsteps and cane that click against the floor as an eavesdropper leaves them to themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> Ya boi did a hit on Taako, but I'm still pretty proud of this. Check me out on tumblr at MWritesSometimes!
> 
> If you enjoyed, please PLEASE leave a comment! It really does mean the world to me!


End file.
